Sunday, October 24, 2010


I frustrate myself sometimes. Like just a little while ago.

I was trying to catch up on Geometry homework, and . . .

This is hard to put into words. Let's just skip to the part where I'm mad at myself and almost crying. I realized that I'm stuck in an infinite math loop.

I have appointments. I miss class. I don't get notes from said class. I am unable to do any work that has to do with that subject. I fall behind. I have appointments.

Right now is NOT the time for this to be happening. I'm sick, I'm missing school, I have too many medical problems, and I CANNOT be failing. Biology I can handle. Math I can not. This all gives me a headache and makes me just want to have a mental breakdown for five minutes and after that, everything will go back to normal.

That's not going to happen. I don't want to bring Mr. P into my stupid personal problems (even though I have enough of them to share . . .) because I'm afraid he would think differently of me, or -- even worse -- not be able to do anything to work with me about this.

You know that feeling when you're playing a game of chess, and your opponent has your last piece cornered and it finally hits you -- you have no place to go? There is no way out of this situation -- game over. You lose. You know that feeling? Try thinking about how that would feel in real life. It makes you tear up. It makes your head hurt, and your stomach knot, and a feeling of dread comes over you, like a horrible, dense, black cloud above your head, and you're just waiting for the lightning to strike to make things worse.

I don't think I'll be sleeping very well tonight. Not with this weighing on my shoulders, like the sky upon Atlas's.

After how many years of horrible stress, insomnia, and a bunch of other crap, I think it all just crashed into me. It's making me physically nauseous. I don't feel physically up to doing anything. I don't feel like I can even sleep right now.

Why can't I just have a normal day? Where there isn't anything due, and I'm not busy with some deadline or some project, and there's nothing important going on, no emergencies to wake me up in the morning or at night, nothing to worry about, nothing to do at all. No stupid computer to stress over, no lines to memorize, to upcoming medical tests to tense me up, no sickness to hold me back, nothing breaking, nothing going wrong, I just want everything to go perfectly smoothly for ONE DAY.

My sickness seems to be the cause of so much stress, among other things. Right now, I feel a little faint.

I'm a slave to my sickness. I don't want to be. I want to be free from this.

I'm sick of being sick. I want to march (OK, drive. Whatever) to my doctor and ask him to just do whatever on earth would be required to find out what's wrong with me and what will cure me.

I feel like I have no conscious control over what my body feels. No matter what I do, it just does it's own thing.

I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until I'm an adult when I won't have to deal with all this teenage crap.

I'm going to try and get some sleep.

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